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The Big Red Joke Book
joke Page 1
!!!
Warning; this is an adult joke book and as such will contain sexist, ageist, sizeist and defiantly wifeist jokes. We have tried to keep away from peoples colour or religion but if you think something in this book may upset or anger you, then do not read this book.
THIS BOOK IS NOT FOR CHILDREN
To watch the videos, click on the "TV" pictures when you see them
Click on the picture to go to
Home page
If you find the words too small, hold down the "CTRL" and press the "+"
It works well in all the Library and Joke books.
Try it now - on this page
Airport Security : What's your Name.
Passenger : Batman
Airport Security : Your real name please. .............. Passenger : My name is Batman
Airport Security : Are you trying to be funny ? What is your family name?
Passenger : Superman
Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room.
Then they checked his Passport
***
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
***
GORDON BROWN the British Prime Minister was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. BROWN if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.So the illustrious leader asked the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said GORDON - that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
I'm afraid not, explained GORDON - that's what we would call great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.GORDON searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and MR. DARLING (the Defence Minister) was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed GORDON. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'
***
Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument
Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
Your Friend
This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
***
H ow the credit crunch will affect Britain .....
The 8.15 Work service to Waterloo
The New Apple I-Phone
***
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day;
He comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale 'sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever
the bike is outside and it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. but just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of
the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is
another huge stack of dishes. piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs
The mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every
which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
'All right, that's enough, I'll do the f***ing dishes!'
***
Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.
And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email?
How stupid are we?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!
What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.
Fuck 'em!!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.
I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.
Billy Connolly
PS Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off.
***
The Duck & the Lawyer.........
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Cornwall . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I'm going to retrieve it
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'."
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
***
click on pcture for video
***
I took my dad to the shopping center the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the
teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
***
***
A chicken farmer went to a local bar... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
***
Senior Citizen Test.....
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk " five times.Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany .)Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany .
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop.
If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon , two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get
on.In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name?
It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
***
click on pcture for video
***
The Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, '
I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the
Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes noise
and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you
have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God
said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers ;v
v
v
v
v
v
MORE MEN ARE RIDING MY INVENTION THAN YOURS"
***
THE RAVAGING EFFECTS OF ALCOHOL
After 6 beers
After 7 rum & cokes
After 1bottle of tequila
***
, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession.
I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'
The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven, try to be stronger and
take three Hail Mary's for your penance'
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
'Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last
confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last
two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green? 'A new woman in
the parish,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'You are forgiven my son but try to be
stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your
Penance.'
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the
Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle
and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green
and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
spread apart, (Sharon Stone-style)
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that
Fannie Green?
The altar boy quietly replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the
reflection off her shoes.'
***
Thoughts for Today
***
click on pcture for video
***
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO
DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT________________ WEIGHT_________________
IQ_____________
GPA Grid_________________________
INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _______________________
DRIVERS LICENSE _______________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________
HOME ADDRESS______________________________
STATE___________ POSTCODE______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
Number of years they have been married
______________________________________________
If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE,
DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST
RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________
_____________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY
DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to
you?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
How often you attend
______________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? _____________
Mother?_____________
Priest or Pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all
Answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me
about is:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her
first is:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
G: What is the current going rate of a motel room?
______________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS
______________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
________________________________
Mother's Signature
________________________________
Father's Signature
________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government
Representative
_______________________________ (Their stamp goes
here ) Notary Public
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be
genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write. If your application is
rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing
white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your
back)
To prepare yourself, start studying
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd
better be delivering a carton of beer, because you're sure
not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.
The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge .
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff Tshirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi .. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine
***
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
Given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America , and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada . He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a English girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the
third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a handyman.
God Bless All Women
***
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said the chemist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
'I am 96' said the old man . 'I don't want an erection.
I just want my dick sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'
***
Gordon Brown, the British Prime Minister for the time being (or Gordon the Useless One as he is known by some of his colleagues) was looking for a lady of the night.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, ‘I am the Prime Minister of England . Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, £200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was £100.
He then asked the redhead
Her reply was, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'***
A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off the Quay.
As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.
'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.
'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.
'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there.
I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night.
For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'
The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, 'He certainly is love.
This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.'
***
While out of town on a business trip, I was feeling a little lonely after checking into the hotel.
The possibility came to mind of getting one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths, when you're calling for a cab.
I had picked up a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself "Kitten", a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs . . . you know what I'm talking about.
So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
'Hello?' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi", I said. "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my room and give me one."
"No, wait", I said, "I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long.You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. I'll do things to you and you can do things to me.
I want to tie you up, cover you in chocolate syrup and whip cream, lick you all over, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic . . . but for an outside line, you need to dial 9.'
***
click on pcture for video
***
A man went to the doctors and asked for a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldnt allow him a double dose.
Why not asked the man.
Because its not safe replied the doctor.
But i need it really bad said the man.
Well why do you need it so badly asks the doctor.
The man said, my girlfriend is coming into town on friday, My ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on sunday. I must have a double dose.
The doctor finnally relents saying ok.I'll give it to you, But you must come into see me on Monday morning,So that i can check you to see if there are any side affects.
On monday, the man dragged himself in. His righy arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?
The man said....... no one turned up
***
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase
The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'
***
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came
out, there was a 'parking ambassador' writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
> He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a Sh*thead .He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age
***
Chinese Wedding Night
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be
told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as
her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My
darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you
berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I
do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatc hu
want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which
he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I
have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her....
'You want........Garlic Chicken wif curry sauce?'
***
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a
half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you
have just been given five more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that
begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means
she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you about
nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's okay: This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she
wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when
you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or
Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause
here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' -
that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.
DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... That will bring on a
'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*** YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told
a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to # 3.
***
Scouse ( Liverpool )Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his
wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework,
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in many outback places around the world.
***
THE WEDDING NIGHT
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together .
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.
***
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (a true story)
Scientists at Roll Royce in England built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one line memo : ..
.
.
Defrost the chicken
***
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl.
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames .'
***
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.
'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.
'No' she replies. 'it's mayonnaise .'
***
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
***
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: ' Sharon .'
Medic: 'OK Sharon , is this your car?'
Sharon : 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon : 'bleeding Romford, mate.'
***
click on pcture for video
***
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's bleeding hundreds of them!'
***
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers have I got up?'
Sharon : 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'
***
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
'Scuse me mate, I ain't being bleeding funny or nuffink, but why duz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl,'So that's why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'
***
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday
***
Do you want to have your joke in thisThe Big Red Joke Book
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