The Big Red Joke Book
joke Page 2
When a man comes home after a really difficult day at work, nothing brightens his spirits and makes him feel more appreciated than being met at the door by the smiling face of the woman he loves with an ice cold beer in her hand.
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6 Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this .
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
***
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
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Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
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Paddy's chat up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up! .......... 6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think thats her, she wasnt that tall!'
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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'
***
An Irishman is sha**ing a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles, from London !'
***
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.Paddy drives past & stops.
He looks atthe Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick f**kers like you that give us Irish a bad name!
I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'
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Last weeks drink finalist ???
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This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Oregon .
After spending a gr eat evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean ?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandpa, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted,'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME!!!'
***
click on pcture for video
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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.The dispatcher said,'Stay calm.. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
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FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94 year old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
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I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
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SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up ! And down the halls in a nursing home.As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex..' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,'I'll take the soup.'
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ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.She said: 'You used to hold my hand when we were courting.'
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: 'Then you used to kiss me.'
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: 'Then you used to bite my Neck.'Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 'Where are you going?' she asked.
'To get my teeth!'
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,'Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!'An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, 'An elephant?'
Bessie thinks a minute and says, 'Close enough.'
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to Know?'
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.Please be careful!''Hell,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
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DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through.The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'
Please !!!!
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!!
***
Some people just have no class . . . . .
That tie is so yesterday!
***
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
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THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in
this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the
morning .
***
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Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says 'how you doin?'
Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get my slippers, my feet are freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.
He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you ' ...
They say 'get away with ya prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of f***ing one?'.
***
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See what happens if you sleep around '
It's ALWAYS the kids that suffer!!His Name is Zonkey!!!!!!!
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***
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Class mates
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE..
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT
UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASSED,
GREY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED:
' WHAT DID YOU TEACH? '.
***
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Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be
successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.
One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up
three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was
very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, 'Do
you notice anything different about me?' 'Why, yes, I couldn't help but
notice that you have no ears,' came the reply.
Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than
the first guy. But he asked her the same question: 'Do you notice
anything different about me?'
'Well,' she said stammering, 'you have no ears.'
Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a
young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was
handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two
put together.
Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same
question:
'Do you notice anything different about me?'
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, 'Yes, you wear contact
lenses, don't you?'
Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person..
'How in the world did you know that?', he asked.
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
'Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!'.
***
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Wheelchair as murder weapon
An 86-year-old Puerto Rican man used a wheelchair to kill another resident in a nursing home they shared.
Police said he beat his 79-year-old victim over the head with the chair's foot rest.
The killing happened at the "My Family" nursing home in the rural town of Yauco.
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click on pcture for video
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Wise Words:
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95,with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.
But if you bought £1000 worth of Stella Artois one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.
So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.
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***
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At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the
entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85
year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it –
Roger Is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a
25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each
other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was
here already?'
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
***
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A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures
the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a
regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the
container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........
(Wait for it).
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
***
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
'About 2 hours.' The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said,
'About 3 hours.' The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour only.' The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said,
'Hey, Bill, do me a favour - follow that guy and see where
he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a
haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A short while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing
hysterically.
The barber asked,
'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
'To see your wife!!!'.
***
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An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years he had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted Mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the water.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral:Old men may walk S L O W, but they still think FAST !!
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Scouse Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
so he could continue counting on his other hand..
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click on pcture for video
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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth II went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able
to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the
same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it
without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'
Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you
two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply
flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'***
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How to be cruel to old guys
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INTERESTING STUFF
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!.
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A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner..
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'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'.
***
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"The Last Photo I Ever Took"
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***
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night'?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same m onastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.
The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk'?
The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk'.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.
The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk'.
'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key'?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,..silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door'.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
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click on pcture for video
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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign ..
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC.
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President.
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina.
'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery.
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman.
***
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I'm never drinking again.
I'm never drinking again.
I'm never drinking again.
I'm never drinking again.
I'mnever
drinking
again!
;
***
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint..
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter..
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit..
***
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Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
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***
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Who Says Women Golfers are at a disadvantage to men?
Matching lavender outfit: $200
New pair of French sunglasses: $100
NIKE products Endorsements: $10,000,000.
Having a 'special place' to hold your putter . . Priceless
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***
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Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
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Tower : 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351 : 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
***
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Tower : 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341 : 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower : 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
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***
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control : 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft : 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
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***
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747 : 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329 : 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
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***
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked , 'What was your last known position?'
Student : 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
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***
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted : 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'
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***
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war! '
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***
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Tower : 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702 : 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower : 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635 : 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.... we've already notified our caterers.'
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***
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
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***
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The German air controllers at FrankfurtAirport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206 : ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
Ground : 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground : 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206 : 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.' !
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'
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***
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While taxiing at London 's GatwickAirport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
'Wasn't I married to you once?'
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***
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ME FIRST ????
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***
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MISSING HUSBAND
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds,AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him..
***
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Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea..
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
“Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.”.
***
click on pcture for video
***
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How Adam Got Eve
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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
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So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
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Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
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God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
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He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you
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She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
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She will praise you!
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She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
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'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
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Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
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'An arm and a leg.'
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Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib
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Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!
***
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BEST GOOGLE AD ... EVER
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***
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Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
.P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny....... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took the hammer away from midget..
***
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Do you want to have your joke in this
The Big Red Joke Book
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click picture for .
