The Big Red Joke Book
joke Page 4
Subject: The Meaty Bites Diet
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, having lost 25 kilograms before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete –
So, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid woman...why else would I buy dog food?
***
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
***
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.
Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
***
TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38,
48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
***
One afternoon a rich lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
"You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high"!
***
Click on picture for video
***
Sign Language?
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
***
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £3500 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about £200 .
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
***
A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.
However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!
She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!' The silence in the cab was deafening.
***
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